How Men screw up romance !

For those who are offended by the photo attached, please accept my sincere apologies. No other photo was as befitting to the topic as this one, so after careful consideration I used it. Look beyond the obscenity in it and you will find a subtle but a meaningful thought in it.

To separate the grain from the chaff, a method known as “The silent treatment” is used in some job interviews. The interviewer fires an awkward question at you…you somehow answer it….instead of proceeding further he stares at you in horrifying silence for few seconds…At this point of time, many people tend to get uneasy and blabber all the nonsense just to fill the void…One of my ‘gyan guru’ terms this kind of unwarranted chatter as ‘verbal diarrhea’. Similar to the above, many people screw up their romance/date/ or any private moments. As a matter of fact, all of us have numerous instances to cite wherein we messed up a simple and straight forward situation and are now embarrassed to speak about it. Instead of burying it under the carpet, I thought to write on this topic. Some of the citations are first handed experienced while other are inspired from the mishaps of close buddies and other acquaintances. Someone had pointed that I was writing lengthy blogs, so I have kept this one as small as possible.
Perhaps Moses was paid well, so he gave ten commandments …I am going with only five considering what I get paid (Oh dear..itna paisa mein itnaich milega !!!)

Let the lady do the talking – I’ll keep the feminist issues and other human behavioral aspects aside and come direct to the point. Usually, ladies have a strong opinion about things and they don’t restrain themselves from sharing it. Though rare, if she happens to be intellectual and educated one, then it is really wise to shut up and listen to her. Even an occasional sprinkling of profane words would feel like drops of honey. Just imagine if it would sound interesting if you start telling her you not taking bath for two days. Obviously not, so let her do the talking.

No matter what, never confess your old crimes – ‘Honesty pays, but being pragmatic pays better’. Just because she happens to touch some emotional chord, doesn’t mean that you have wake up your consciousness ….get a fit of confession and dig up all of your old crimes. Just the mere citations do not make you repentant…Bottom line is that you end up admitting being a crook …Who the hell wants to go out with a crook….does it make any sense ???

Never confess your illness – Similar to the urge of confessing crimes, this one is also to be avoided. Maybe you are being genuine but really who is interested in your stinky list of medical records... Except for making you look ‘sick’ this doesn’t serve any other purpose….

Never use the words ‘baap’ and ‘daru’ – Everybody has their set of favorite slang words but that doesn’t mean that you start preaching them everywhere around. You risk making the other person very uncomfortable if you can’t come out of rustic tone. ‘Be a roman when you are in rome’….

Never belittle the people around you – Just because you have a deep desire to empty a loaded Kafelnikov (AK 47) onto some of the people in your life, it does not mean that you start spitting venom around. The diplomatic way of presenting this as a mere ‘difference of opinion’ does go a long way as a maintaining your reputation.

I will borrow the words of my other ‘gyan guru’ to conclude the blog. The about tips are not about lying ….it is just being economical with the truth.

The fear of losing your job.

The unexpected lethal punch

Your boss or the HR dept calls you on your landline extension instead of the regular call to the mobile and asks you to come n see them immediately. A cold shiver runs across your spine...Would you care this time to carry a pen and a notepad ? You scramble a few reasons for which they would have called you ,even though none is really good enough. After taking that millions of tiny heavy steps, you finally reach the conference/meeting room. You are signalled to wait inside the room. You can see your pulses slowing down and the hands becoming cold with mild sweat. Then after spending some terrifying silent moments alone, some people show up with neat white envelopes with your name written on it. They break the bitter news wrapped up with the sweetest of the words , essentially conveying that your services are no longer required for the organisation. It is only a matter of few seconds before you are lost in a private storm of thoughts and are off to a different galaxy in your mind.. A million things flash up in your head as if you were surfing TV channels in a mute mode....Meanwhile the people in front of you are clarifying that this layoff is not at tall related to your performance and it is due to the economic slowdown..You see them moving their lips and hands moving frantically but somehow you are no longer able to hear what they were saying.... Before you realise what happened, you would have involuntary stepped out of the room holding most the dreaded page of your life. What is the first thing you do after coming out of the room ? Break the news to your anxious colleague OR shutdown your system n start emptying your desk OR call up your family and inform them OR find a lonely place n try to breathe some air before you do anything. It matters little what you do at that point of time...

The Concussion

The next 15 minutes pass by as if you were in a coffin ....you barely know what is happening around you.....Then slowly the realisations starts creeping in...The exact words would differ but this is how they would roughly roll out....Oh my god, I have been fired !!! Yes it is me...It is real and it is happening....Have I just been slapped and told that I am unimportant and disposable from the organisation point of view...I guess that means that I am not getting the full salary of this month, so forget the next month's pay cheque....How the hell do i pay those credit card bills ???.....How big is this layoff thing ? Is it just me or a couple of more in the firing line..Oh man, Now I am laid off employee....I cant believe that I am now one of the the laid off employee those news channels keep talking about.....It would be perfectly understandable if at this point of time, one would have delved into a lengthy profane 'wordlist' ranging from words with 4 alphabets to 10-12...The ubiquitous 'F' word with it's creative suffixes and prefixes should have appeared a million times during the above monologue.

The Convulsions
By now, You are no longer short of breath but have the suffocating feeling...Something is choking up in your entire body.... This uneasy stage is wherein you feel as if you had been pelted with hundred hammers- all at once !!!. Your bank payments, house rent , those repairs, EMIs etc etc...For a normal sane person, the thought of robbing a bank to meet the above payments should come at least for a moment. It would not be not totally inappropriate if the thought lasts a bit longer. For the first time since the disaster started you stand up and scan around....It quickly dawns upon you that things have changed forever - irrevocably. The cosy places of yesterday now seem like slaughterhouses....Even though you would like to pity upon the ignorant people who are having a laugh , you really can not. You just don't want the messenger of bad news..Moreover, you don't have the courage to walk into the crowd. To save face, you make a unnoticed exit and abscond into a lonely place.

How do I face them now ?
Everyone has at least one person in their life who has always bullied you and you hated them for it. More than anything else, what stresses your mind is the thought of how to react when these people come to know of your premature dismissal.

This person has always prophesied that you epitomise failure. In all the previous instances, you were able to somehow dodge these doomsayers. But this time, it is not easy as the magnitude of this is totally different. What if he utters his opinions in public...Provided that we are utmost honest ,then this is how our first reactions would be....(The description of the slow motion is inspired from the movie 300)-.... Stare the person in the eyes by standing firm in front of him for two minutes...Gently turn your torso around 90 degrees towards the back with your arm raised...form a stone hardened first by closing your fingers.....Make a deadly mix of your hatred,anger, frustration and pump this energy into your fist...The fist of your life.....Then with the speed of a samurai sword swoop down on the Guy's cheek with ground shattering force....This should immediately register a crack in his jaws and send the waves up his skull.....Even when he falls on the ground, the shock waves should stay abuzz in his ears..... Not the ideal solution but definitely a soul satisfying one !!!

Some ambiguity might arise on the intention behind this blog. I categorically wish to clarify that it is neither to preach any precautionary measures nor to forewarn people about the repercussions of economic slowdown. To upgrade my creative spirit , i have decided to take challenging topics head on henceforth. The complexity is further compounded by the fact that many a times these topics are considered a taboo to be discussed so openly. Undoubtedly, i have borrowed the basic framework of the article from friends and acquaintances and used it as a 'hypothetical' situation. I was lucky to have escaped unscathed after citing real people's names in my previous blog. This time however I shall respect people's right to anonymity and use a more generic tone.

अजीब दास्ताँ है यह..कहाँ शुरू ..कहाँ ख़तम...

The credits for the topic of this particular blog goes to the new found readers of my blog in the office , Anurag and Neelam. Unlike the previous blogs which were more of a monologue from my end, everyone would have some or other point of view to share in this one.

After some recent dramatic events, i was forced to think about the strong influence a few people build over others. This 'armtwisting' mechanism has lots of euphemisms in our society - Well wishers / Respected Elders / Seniors etc. The influence ranges from receiving genuine advices to the complete subjugation to somebody' wishes. My usage of the words 'somebody' n 'others' are not restricted to parents but are liberally extended to people like elder siblings, teachers/bosses and 'all' of the useless relatives.

Let me start the topic with one end of spectrum, i.e people who have completely surrendered to the demands of others. This usually happens with the youngest member of a family or who is weak in education. They are either showered with unsolicited advices on 'how to improve' or decisions are simply thrusted down their throat without even asking them even once. Even a small sign of reluctance on the above and they are drowned in the ocean of 'free ka gyan' without an iota of mercy . The dictionary term for the condition of such people is 'civil death'. Anurag, my childhood friend was all set to come down to pune and join the IT industry. Just before boarding the bus, his brother in law passed an emergency decree that he should do an MBA in marketing and nullified all his plans. I fail to see exactly how he has acquired the 'power of attorney' to pass judgements on somebody else's life and feel that this is just short of dictatorship, but i leave it open as there multiple angles to see the same thing.

Now i delve into the opposite end of the spectrum i.e people who have no respect/ attachment for the people they are supposed to have. This usually happens with people who break the shackles after years of 'bearing' the torture. This trait is also found in people who have always lived an independent live and are ready to die fighting for what they believe in. It would not make much of a difference if their ears stopped functioning suddenly, as they don't use it much anyways for listening what people have to say. These 'self centered' people see things as if they were centre of the universe and everything else is revolving around them.

The first example i have to cite is of my distant cousin - Sharat. As long as I can remember, he has been waging a war with his father. (I fail to understand why he feels proud to have done his M E from Paris ; after all it is favorite honeymoon destination and renowned for fashion industry rather than technical field.) Anyways,he recently married a widow with two kids in spite of earsplitting opposition from his parents. I have no comments to make on the widow or her life. My focus is on the fact that he publicises this marriage to all relatives just to get even with his parents who 'wronged' him during his childhood.



Then there are people like me !! Blaise Pascal (Ya, the same rogue whose theories gave us tough time during schooling) said " The eternal silence of these infinite spaces fills me with dread." while referring to universe. Stretching my 'poetic license' i have revamped it to 'The eternal dumbness of the infinite people around me fills me with anger, irritation and murderous instincts'. This category of people are very flexible, and often drift from one shore to another just because they are pushed. 'Live and let live' is their simple motto and yet people fail to appreciate that. Some people start bugging you so much that you give them what they want and get the hell out from there. The following phrases are self explanatory for this set of people ' Dimaag ka dahi mat karo' , 'Maatha pacchi nahi karne ke' , 'Bheje ko chamach se khana band karo' or simply 'paka mat...jo chahiye le lo aur jaan chodo'. These people are often urged to stand up for what is morally correct or righteous. "Char din ki to zindagi hai...ab isme right kya wrong kya"...."khao pio aur khush raho...kya zarurat hai mahatami gandhi ya mother Teresa banne ki"

The above classifications are at a macro level and further drilling down is certainly possible. However, that would be looking at the finger when pointed towards the moon. Each individual has to take a call as to what extent it is fair enough to let people interfere in your life.......be it parents, teachers or anyone for that matter. For people like me (who are devoid of morals and ethics) it pays to swim along the tide most of the times...and when limits are breached, just get out of the water and walk your way on the damn shore...After all, who said that it was necessary to stay in the water... Who asks whether the enemy was defeated by strategy or valor or cheating ?

Corporate culture or "Bol-bacchan"

It has just been three years I have become part of a corporate culture. I am not exactly proud to say that even I have started to play along the practical games played in a large organisation. This realisation came to me just today, when i was 'sermoning' a guy from another department about the skills required for effective management. I realised that I was speaking as if I was nothing less than Jack Welch or Henry Ford. I barely have a experience that can be called management in the true sense. I am a coordinator for ISO 9001, a Quality Management System ,being implemented in Claims Department of my company and hence get regular occasions to give preach in front of hapless people. To jettison some amount of the guilt feeling accumulated, i have decided to reveal some of the most effective bluffing techniques I have acquired.

Use 'flashy' jargon

There is an old quote which goes as 'Keep your mouth shut and let people wonder if you are a fool, rather than opening it and dispel their doubts'. Well, I have found it useful that using jargon and abbreviations as if they were basic concepts of daily work, makes people around you very curious. Explaining them in a non understandable way is like the cherrie on a pie. Maintaining the image of 'I-KNOW-IT-ALL' image is both science and an art.

Link it with either pyschology or 'Senior management' methodology

Lets face it, only a neglible percentage of ordinary people really understand how senior mangement works. Only a tiny fraction of such people have a fair idea about what pyschology is or how it works. The easiest method of explaining the 'messup' found around, is to link them with human pyschology or the fashion in which senior management works. It pays to do this not only because it is easy & simple but also because very few people have the understanding to refute your arguments.

'Always look busy with work' and 'Always carry a paper & pen'

I came across this tip from a email about 'modern day office etiquette' few years back. The explanation is pretty simple, if you appear relaxed you might be given additional work as you seem to have no workload. If you carry a paper n pen, then it is assumed that you working on some task even though you are doing nothing.


The above list of 'pretensions' is just a tiny drop in the ocean. In no way I mean to suggest that they are the shortcuts to success. Infact, they are silly ways to avoid work and gain any useful experience. To really succeed you need loads of merit, skill, determination and whole lot of other things. The point I am trying to make here is that being righteous is not always the right way to surive in one's life. Every game has some kind of 'cheat codes' and the sooner you learn such things the better it is. You can use them for your defence if not as offence. Somehow, revealing these little dirty secrets makes me feel better.

The Inscrutable Bosses

It gives immense pleasure to say that the title of my article is “The Inscrutable Bosses” and is directly borrowed from the best seller book titled ‘The Inscrutable Americans’. I have come a long way from the time when I read such thought provoking books and be lost in the train of thoughts all night ; to the current where I am appreciated in my own little circle of loyal readers and encouraged to write more frequently. The comparisons with Chetan Bhagat are extremely flattering and are absolutely welcome!

Ok, now that I have finished stroking my ego, I will come to the purpose of this article. I could not help but notice the striking similarity between the mysterious behavior of most Bosses and the American behavior mentioned in the above book; so I lifted the title without any second thought.

I have no intention to take a dig at the eccentricities of a modern day boss, especially when I have been thrust a “boss” tag recently. This is just to voice the thoughts that come in an ordinary employee’s mind when he is working late in the night and stumbles upon the empty chair of his boss. The loneliness at such moments gets compounded when he starts to hear the echo of his own keyboard taps, whereas the boss would be engaged in ‘unmentionable’ activities at home. Provided that our memories are strong, we all would remember passing through such experiences. With due to respect all the brilliant bosses I had, I want to present the other side of the Management coin. To put that in a corporate lingo, I am going to list down the “Difference of Opinions” in a “Constructive and Productive” manner.

Learning curve Vs Art of delegation
Often disproportionate work gets thrust upon one, when it is expected the least. The results of such circumstances vary from a key of a gold treasury to sudden death. If you resist the work you are considered unreliable; if you take up and fail to do it properly, you are not up to the mark; if you take up the task and do it well, the boss is to be praised for knowing the potential in you & promoting talent.

Proactiveness Vs Empowering the team
It is said that the modern day boss expect their 25 year old employee to possess the athletic nature of 20 year old, expertise of a 40 year old and the maturity of a 60 year old. You are expected to learn things proactively and once you really become proactive, kudos to your boss for empowering you. After all how else who would provide you the career growth plan.

Meeting the expectations Vs Unleashing the performers
It is next to impossible to satisfy the expectation of a greedy boss. Accomplishing tasks within impossible deadline, with best-in-class quality and with little or no guidance from the ‘big guys’ is considered as a norm. Just in case you have been lucky to achieve the above, your boss is a genius who unleashes the performers for the organizational benefit.


Unlike the above list, my blog can not extend for infinity. Since I would have already quite a few eyebrows, it is better that I wrap the subject with a note of thanks to everyone who have provided with spicy inputs about their daily work.

इकोनोमी स्लोव्दोवं - मेरी analysis

At its best, my understanding of economics is nill. Yet i feel compelled to share my thoughts on the economic slowdown. So i decided to write about it from my point of view.

let me start with Jagat, a colleague in office..somehow he seems to understand the entire crisis so well n describes it articulately....His jargon seems so perfect that i feel like asking him to step up as a president of the world n save us from this crisis....The punk has a lot of serious stuff inside him n i m sure one day he vld do something really gr8 for the country....I feel jittery after hearing him speak......

Then there is Manjunat & Nagesh....Both of them are too mature for their age.....Their calmness makes me wonder if they know the current crises as well as its solution....They have an expression 'grow up kid...and learn to deal with this crisis'.....I feel inferior after talking to them on this topic

Then...there is the owner of the small cafe in my office...dont be fooled by the name 'CAFE'...it is just an enlarged version of a roadside hut.....Anywz coming back to the topic.....this stupid hotel is always crowded......the food isnt that great....nor is the hygiene or service.....the fact that people are flocking in huge numbers gives me a assurance that there is no slowdown......dont ask me how this cafe can be taken as an representative for an entire country.....I just want to believe that things are alright n this cafe gives me some kind of assurance.....that's it.....

Being a couch potato , i love watching TV....but these days the news people have just one thing to tell......layoffs, more layoffs and some more layoffs....This is followed by the sensex analysis.....n i m totally depressed.....These things are the last nail in the coffin.....

Finally, talking to my dad (a Insurance industry veteran with more than 33 yrs of work experience)i just have one thought in my mind..."WHY GOD WHY.....WHY DOES IT HAPPEN TO ME ALL THE TIME ......I M YET TO MAKE GOOD MONEY IN LIFE.....WHY THE HECK THIS RECESSION CAME UP NOW".....


The above paragraphs describes pretty much the perception i have bou the slowdown.....My only fear is that is this thing goes on and on...i vld someday be deprived of my favorite burgers n pizzas.....Ya that right ....I fear the most that i might be deprived of the tasty burger from Burger king n Mc Donalds.....There is no point in surviving without them.....No i m nt being childish......This is the thing which i really fear.....

Seventeen-Inch World

Seventeen-Inch World


I vividly remember the childhood time when my father used to take me to the busiest markets in the city. For most this should have been one of the happiest moments, but not for me.

Being short I had to hold his hand all the time and struggled to match his pace. The oncoming people somehow could never spot me and their belongings smashed right into my face with military precision. As years passed on, I was allowed to walk on my own and I had grown taller so the punching also came down. Rather than feeling sorry I used to get a feeling of vengeance if I accidentally happened to dash some kid in a crowd.

As years passed, the memories of the local market faded away with career taking precedence over everything in life. Recently on being persuaded I agreed to accompany my mother to buy groceries from a local market on a lazy Sunday.

Within minutes of stepping in the market, I was amused to see my mother a perennial miser, arguing furiously with a hawker like it was a matter of life and death. The entire hullabaloo was just for being charged a rupee more on a kilo of potatoes. I could not help but wonder about the stark difference between her and myself. I usually ensure that I squander a few hundred rupees in a multiplex just to feel cool whereas my mother was hell bent on squeezing out the last penny out of the poor guy.

I couldn’t help but grinning in the middle of the road glancing at the vendor. Suddenly came the
Deep voice, "This module isn’t working...Oh my God, this module isn’t working". With my dazed eyes, I had a second look and tried to make sense of what I just heard. The contorted face started to get familiar with each passing milli-second. It was my manager.

The heat from his red-hot face instantly vaporized all the train of thoughts and in a jiffy I immersed myself in the seventeen-inch world, otherwise called as a Computer Monitor. I had spent the entire the night thinking about the market and how it was a vital part of my life without even realizing it. Life of a software engineer is not that easy after all.